What are some reasons why people may fear strong men?
08.06.2025 03:21
Your authenticity makes you someone people naturally trust. You keep confidences well, and as such, you can be a guide, adviser and mentor.
I then perceive others and think: why don’t they put their fears to such binary tests? That’s why people fear strong men because their/our decision making about the fear, not the action, the anxiety, is binary and not like the fearful person’s scattershot, widespread, murky terror at a Post-It-Note.
“Yeah…..but were they really wrong about you? I mean, really?”
What is your favourite colour and why?
However:
I could’ve told you that. There and many other places insist that we all have empathy and if we’re not 1000% enacting it with everyone, we’re somehow deficient as a human being and professional.
The Intimidated PowerBottom
I’m warm and loving…in my commitment to getting the job done, progressing you as a person in a particular subject, perhaps even mentoring you but my first instinct isn’t cuddles. I used to be self conscious of my own detachment and was often exhausted by trying to be emotionally available in ways that feel not only anathema but downright revolting to me. Then in 2009, looking for assessment materials for adults coming into a program, I discovered the Gallups StrengthsFinder/Talent Assessment and happily discovered after the online testing—-that I don’t have empathy! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
People are drawn toward those who take a stance and ask them to move in a certain direction. Therefore, people will be drawn to you. You have presence. You have Command.
“What?!!!”
Now in a calm self assessing way, reflectively looking at it, I can see that both of my parents had Command so I was raised by two very intense, direct brilliant extroverts—-those unique Klingon-Vulcan hybrids. I learned from them to think and speak up.
A guy I really liked called me up one night with all of his PowerBottom emotional anxiety anger-complaints and furiously sputtered that I was “….so so so sooooooooooo confident!!!” He was so furious that I wisely did not laugh and luckily we were not face to face to see the perplexed mirth on my face.
Helps
Oh no, Devil. Not me. SHAITAN!
See, professional.<<<<<< :)
Because true relating takes so much time and emotional investment, Relators can't form deep relationships with everyone they meet. Sure, they have acquaintances and colleagues, and they may truly enjoy meeting new people and making a connection. But there are just a few that "make the cut" and become part of the trusted inner circle. Transparency, intimacy and trust are the hallmarks of Relator.
Mine is midway. I had a student, an adult, who has Command as his 1st Strength. Universally, even I at times, found him to be an asshole. He simply was such a motherfucker to say, do, act in ways, that had a lack of regard or were pushy or inappropriate, that you didn’t want to be around him. Luckily, I was able to give him the assessment so we could develop a common language to help him focus it, recognize when he was hurting others with it, temper it. I directly suggested he go into the military. He did.
(I, to this day, tingle when I often replay his monologues from Scandal. TINGLE!!!!!!)
You can offer choices to me.
Finals Film Study: Thunder offense vs. Pacers' defense - NBA
I bring up Bob because he was my height, slightly taller—6′4, a big Black man who had done time, raised a daughter, and was coming upon his mid-life. Our discussions often circled around him considering the future, changes, interests, perhaps even college, and his “next chapter”. One of the things we talked about was how he had thought things about me and then not said anything for a few months because he said that I was “intimidating”. When he said it, I relayed to him that I’ve been told that a lot—-even by my parents, and by men and women I’ve dated.
“From the sky,” I generally answer because it’s that fucking obtuse to me.
For me, Command is the reservoir-force field, always full, that raises my hand, speaks up, stands up for myself and others, confronts an issue, crosses some bullshit imaginary line, sets boundaries.
What I’ve learned/noticed is that people think the thing you say to them in the way they perceive that thing. When someone says they find me intimidating—-I think back to the serial killer they secretly moved into the jail cell next to mine when I was in my 20s and spent a few days in jail—-whose personal evil from having killed so many children, after he and his wife pimped them out radiating—-woke me in the next cell from a sound sleep and sent me crashing to the floor.
This is a paradoxical attribute of Relator: People tend to want to open up to those high in the Relator StrengthsFinder theme -- far more so than those with high Relator want to open up to them until they get to know them. Authentic, genuine relationships take time, and those high in Relator willingly and often enthusiastically invest time and energy into deepening their most important relationships.
Relator: Helps and Hinders
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………………..and decide to get rid of you…………..
Anxiety riddled (closeted) gay man who then wants me to perform some sort of sexual act on him (take him seriously) after his emotionally unbalanced spiel.)
I often find that when I calmly, confidently say no or that I’m not interested in something or won’t be doing something—-when people won’t hear that no—-they’re trying to control you. The fear comes from the fact that they assume everything in their purview/reality is to be controlled and what does it mean to them/their sense of personal power, if they can’t control you.
Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?
In one of the buildings I work in the multiple places/jobs/schools I go through, the head cleaner maintenance and I had very good, constructive chats for the past few years. It turns out he was sure I was familiar to him, and then upon talking to me and understanding about my writing career going on for almost three decades now, he had seen me several times perform-read at Bar 13, a bar/arts space in lower Manhattan and I had a one man show at the (famed) Nuyorican Café. (Pinero!)
Who knew that is intimidating to others?
There were other killers and rapists and such in the jail that I met, I even got to hug a serial killer to calm him down but I had a detached awareness of them as dangerous but not intimidating.
Why are people with Asperger syndrome unenthusiastic?
(Manipulatively) Confused old person—-like the old women in my neighborhood who are confused:
Command leads you to take charge. Unlike some people, you feel no discomfort with imposing your views on others.
People exceptionally talented in the Relator theme enjoy close relationships with others. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends to achieve a goal.
How did the Nazis figure out whether a person or community is 'Aryan' or not?
(Personally, I thought: “I like men and women. However I’m not into pussies, who are male. If you have to send someone from maintenance to express interest in me, you’re not man enough for me to ever consider as anything but a coworker and foot stool. (Fucking punk.) How could I ever take a male (not a man, in my eyes—Manhood being integrity, accountability, responsibility, vulnerability. protective and generous intimacy character traits that my fathers taught me) who sent someone (repeatedly) and couldn’t man the fuck up and speak to me directly? What did he think I would do in the office, after years of being a professional there: stab him, hit him with the chair, have some wild Pride March past his desk, do some wild nigger dance, fellate him in the parking lot? What kind of low rent fool does he think——you know what?—- never mind. He ain’t got the juice to handle me. Punk ass, passive aggressive, manipulative, bitch baby.)”
Intimidation
I’m (seemingly) very direct.
Years later, teaching a men’s workshop, using a new psychology book about homosexual men, it defined that emotional presentation to a Beta—PowerBottoms, Bottoms, gay men—-is confidence—-as code for intimidating, to them, making them angry, as intimidated men.
I have Command. (“You can’t take command, boy!” giggle, giggle.)
But I summed it as I maintain always being professional and not personal in the workspace. The above slightly more………..acidic.
How about we have an informal 1 hour session once a week good morning, how you doing, have you done anything interesting? session and then for the next few days no one feels obligated to repeat those questions or salutations.
When you coach those with Relator in their Top 5, helping them claim both the "helps" and the "hinders" of the theme is critical to productive aiming. Some common helps and hinders of Relator include:
You invest in relationships, and this gives you a perspective into others that lasts over time. You've seen those you've invested in grow and change, and this enables you to authentically celebrate accomplishments.
“It’s raining, snowing, etc.” that people announce.
Because you value authentic relationships, others feel valued when in your presence.
That’s what I think of when I think who Kyle finds intimidating. Yes, someone who exudes evil on a psychic level that can wake me out of a deep sleep.
People fear often what they can’t manipulate or control. Passive aggressiveness is a manipulative tactic to try and control that which one cannot or to cover up self esteem and insecurity issues. We all feel trepidation and hesitation—-I move through it by asking myself—”Will this action, or the reaction, kill me?”
”I’ve lived here for 30 years and always taken this train downtown. That’s my favorite seat.”
My Command is my # 3 Strength so it’s palatable but not overwhelming. I often reluctantly lead or direct, more to be effective/efficient with time and resources, than to “be in control”. In many ways, outside of work I enjoy not having to be constantly in control, in command, liking strong partners who are conscious of my feelings but proactive.
I often tell anxious fools that instead of all of this passive aggressive manipulative, jockey, competitive, fear based shit—-rejoice in the fact that I might be on your side. Put that in your back pocket and keep it moving.
Helpless, grown man.
You can even torture me to say the word yes (I will still be thinking no.)
Pet Peeve of Engagement with People:
Hinders
I will watch you burn from self-immolation as you whine that’s it’s a little hot, what should you do?, before I will aid the passive aggressive.
Because relationships take time, you can be slow to warm to others. This can give you the reputation of being aloof and unapproachable.
But strength, real strength of character, is the ability to see—-”Hey, I can try and do this better with Relator/understand (this fool).” and “Oh, this is my Command asserting and perhaps overwhelming them, let me dial it down, listen, use softer language.”
All of that summed is why people may fear strong men, strong men of color, strong omnisexual men—-because “we” (is there a “we” of all those conflating? I haven’t met many others) are not interested, invested or distracted, by socially manipulative games and patterns and emoting's that people often use.
Pleasant faced, smiling, tried to start up a chat.
That’s who I found intimidating. When the guard took me to the shower, I saw the prisoner and finally got the guard to tell me they were secretly moving him around at night due to death threats. He looked like Billy Connolly.
I found her intimidating. Other than that, even as a child, parents, cops, guards, soldiers, criminals—-I have felt meh intimidation about.
You can negotiate with me.
“You know they called me the f word at home which is why I was late for our date. I have issues about dating men, now, in my 40s.”
#KylePhoenix
#TheKylePhoenixShow
I have Relator which is defined as:
We don’t have to say “Good morning” FIVE mornings in a row.
Don't make me judge you….
“Ohmigod, Kyle doesn't like me!”
I hate passive aggressiveness.
I get this a lot. I noticed this question and thought about the personal relationship it has to me and my dealing with people, professionally and personally.
Gallups on Command
I come from very strong willed people. I am more tempered than them, far less dysfunctional, but I have a lot of their drama as anti-mentoring examples so I know proper amounts of strength and fear and self possession, to example. I also have travelled throughout New York City since I was a child, unmolested. I know how to carry myself, I’ve stared down the gay bashers who jumped out a van with a video camera to film the gay bashing of me and a date in Queens; two, not one, gangs on a late night subway; vagrants of all mental illness jellybean varieties; crazed relatives and even one “friend” who I let use my bathroom after a night out at a bar, who I caught shooting up in my bathroom that I had to one, throw out, and two, beat down to get them out.
“Yes.” (I answer politely thinking perhaps she’s eating from the dementia sundae this Sunday.)
My mother, a psychology major from Baruch, who met my father, a political Science major at Pace, said one time “they should’ve built more trapdoors into my psyche, I was too liberated”.
”Is this the downtown train? “
I am strong. I am not afraid of you. Ever.
I’m actually an extreme introvert….I prepare myself in many, many, many ways…to go across the street to the store, smile, say please and thank you, and get back home…in 15 minutes. To conquer the day at work—-teaching, presenting, meetings, engagement, etc. is why I make supreme efforts to control my time that one, I’m not anywhere, with anyone, for anything, 5 days a week. Ever. I learned that this was burning me out. Constant people interaction and expectations of engagement…constantly.
The depth and length of your relationships may cause you to make excuses for others' bad behavior if you know them well. Take care to be honest and fair in your assessments of others.
“You can’t take Command, boy!”
No. Kyle finds your point, question, constant demand for chit chat, annoying. Kyle would like you more with a hi and a bye, a deeper conversation, or silence.
Whereas others may avoid facing up to life's unpleasantness, you feel compelled to present the facts or the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be. You need things to be clear between people and challenge them to be clear-eyed and honest. You push them to take risks. You may even intimidate them. And while some may resent this, labeling you opinionated, they often willingly hand you the reins.
You are selective in your relationships. Be careful about giving others the impression that you have an "in" group and an "out" group -- particularly if you are a team leader.
A coworker brought to me some years ago that another coworker was “interested” in me, he thought I was attractive, liked me.
Then of course Captain Benjamin Sisko IS my first Star Trek captain! (Ironically he’s the spitting image of my father.)
I Have Command.
I am not your bestie that you can simply walk up to because you see how I relate to someone else (that I’ve known much longer) and expect that same level of engagement with me.
You care about people -- and they know it. This gives you a unique ability to deliver the "hard truth" and have difficult conversations -- because those on the receiving end know you care.
I was outside, I know. I have also pointed out to people that I/we/they have lived on the northeast coast for years. During the later months of the year—-say September on—-it becomes colder. And it has for alllllllllllll the years I’ve been here. There have been one or two spot hotter days, out of season, but for the most part December—-surprise, surprise, it’s NOT eighty degrees.
I’ve been Out since high school, when my family said it “wasn’t allowed” I went into my room to pack—-fully intending to disown them. They changed their tune.
In the 7th grade, I had an Indian woman math teacher, Mrs. Doctor (her real name) who was intense. Like she had been warned not to slap the shit out of students from several previous incidents and every day was her first day back from her anger management mandated classes, while on suspension, that had caused her to lose her house and her left thumb. That simmering pissed.
As a teacher I prefer to work with adults. I can and have taught every age group from small children to teenagers to adults but I prefer adults. Even with adults though those students can feel that I’m detached, sharp, I’m not cuddly.
I politely explained to the intermediary to pass on that I maintain a strict Chinese Wall (the demarcation that exists at banks and finance houses, that I worked at in my financial analyst days) where the banking and investment sides/personnel, stay separated so as not to muddy the waters, even socially.
Yes, one of my other Themes-Strengths is Command, and the higher it is from the list of my 5 hierarchy, the more pronounced it is.
I speak in the same tone/voice to everyone—-men, women, children's, supervisors, bosses, at least two President's, billionaires, millionaires, lawyers, doctors, judges, I’ve even cross examined my stepfather in court for an hour while fending off his attorney ad throwing out objections along the way. (a life highlight.)
Because you place a high value on trust, you may have a hard time moving on when trust is broken. This can give others the impression that you are unforgiving and intolerant of mistakes. Realize that second chances are central to strong relationships, and that trust can indeed be rebuilt over time.
Relator is selective, tending to be slow and cautious in establishing relationships. There is an authenticity about those strong in Relator talents that draws others to them -- that makes others want to trust them.
After doing the Strengths Finder, they give you a sheet to print out and put on your office door/wall for people to see (the idea being that the whole group does it—-I use it with students and in larger trainings—-it’s like bringing manna down from Heaven to people).
People exceptionally talented in the Command theme have presence. They can take control of a situation and make decisions. The following definition describes the thoughts, feelings and behaviors you are likely to experience if you have strong Command:
Baby girl voice woman—-ohmigod fucking HATE it. I think that woman should be aborted herself.
I am self-possessed. I don’t “suffer fools lightly”. I’m not looking to be your best friend and somehow, someway, by the grace of God, I will muddle through the next 50 years of life I know I have, if you don’t like me. Somehow. Some way.
When I read this and the other 4 Strengths the assessment found in me, I was floored, felt exposed, felt understood, and felt genuinely able to convey to others who I am.
On the contrary, once your opinion is formed, you need to share it with others. Once your goal is set, you feel restless until you have aligned others with you. You are not frightened by confrontation; rather, you know that confrontation is the first step toward resolution.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.